Wednesday, November 14, 2007

STINKING FLESH

On September 26th I wrote a blog called Reflecting. At the end of that post I wrote the following:

And I weep, for them, but I also weep for myself .....because I have to wonder if I could walk in the faith, steadfastness, determination and Love of God that they demonstrate to me day in and day out. Something to think about isn't it? Surely does make me think and WEEP!
I have wanted to be real, to be transparent to all of you who read me or just stumble on this blog of Penless Writer.
That is what I am today: REAL, WEEPING & TRANSPARENT.
I pray I can meet any test or trial Jesus would call on me to walk.

When I wrote this I knew that David was coming home, which he did 4 days later on September 30th. I knew that with David's return our entire family, and especially Mickey & I, were going to be facing a lot of issues, problems, heartbreak and also joy, happiness and true victories. I knew that satan was going to attack us with all he had in every one of his arsenals. This Reflecting blog was my acknowledging that to myself and fortifying myself for the battle ahead.

No amount of fortifying could have prepared me for the true battle I have found myself facing.

Oh, we have faced all the issues and problems I had anticipated: repossessed car, expired drivers license, mood swings of Bipolar 1, difficulty in getting established with a new Psychiatrist, finding a job, etc. These we are dealing with in a timely step by step manner but I must tell you we have faced difficulties every step of the way. Murphy's Law has been in effect, time and time again.

In connection with the joy, happiness and victories there have been many: the ease with which the drug addiction left him surpassed our wildest hopes, his returning to God and accepting Christ as his Personal Savior came sooner and easier than we dreamed, Nicole's salvation, his joy at being home, his gratitude for his family and the part we are playing in his recovery and restoration, his not only willingness but eagerness to attend all church services with us, his joining us in Bible Study and prayer each morning, his participating in the Overcomers Class at Church. .

We still have massive hurdles yet ahead of us: finding the proper job in his field (we will know on Friday about the interview he went on Monday) , getting the car released, getting his license re-instated, and locating a psychiatrist.

The entire point of this blog, and the lesson I am learning, is about my own stinking flesh. After having lived as a Christian for so many years and dealing with a lot of defeats and victories over those years I never dreamed how very much this current experience would show me that I haven't YET truly DIED TO SELF. My old, stinking, sinful, sin nature is still too alive and well. I am having to face that brutal truth head on day, after day, after day. I see it in my getting my feelings hurt. I see it in my getting anxious and nervous on the inside. I see it in letting my nervousness flair up in irritation and down right anger. I see it in crying buckets of tears. I see it in my asking, "Why me Lord" when I know the WHY question is one that God never answers, even to his own son on the cross.

I desire to truly be able to say: "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live: yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." Galations 2:20

I know I am, but I want to truly die to this sticking flesh.

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27 comments:

Linds said...

Blogger just ate my comment.

We are all human, Susan, and this side of Heaven, that is exactly what we will remain. Fallible, ordinary mortals. God neither looks for, nor expects perfection. I weep and wail and yell at Him. I get angry. just like the people in the Old Testament did.

God sees us battle and He is well pleased. Not because of triumphs, but because we battle on. I know with absoslute certainty that He loves me, and you and that He loved us from the beginning of time.

Don't beat yourself up for being human, my friend. He sees the big picture.

Our Peculiar Life said...

I couldn't say it better than linds, so just know that you and your family are all in my prayers. love ya.

~Just A Thought Ginger said...

Oh Susan, this is my heart written by your hand. It becomes so difficult to hold things together and not get angry and frustrated. I, too, find myself beating myself up over and over. When my flesh takes control I just feel so let down by my behavior.

Once again, I am so very thankful that His mercies are new every morning and that He is a forgiving God. Keeping our eyes focused on the author and finisher of our faith is our source and our strength.

Praying for you my friend.

jennifer said...

Well, Susan you are not alone. In fact Christ knows this too.

I am guilty as you and I am sorry that life has such trials. But knowing our destination has such comfort.

Hugs

Midlife Cycler said...

Those are tough issues and we want the big picture now...as a mother, our hears are connected to our children and their eternal destination. Our support will encourage you but only your trust in God at this time and prayer are priority.

Jody

Karolee said...

We are all moving along on our pilgrim's progress toward heaven and we all have our obsticles along the way. The beauty is that your son and his wife are now joining you on that journey. Because they have joined you, you see how you have been held back, and now you are ready to keep moving on. God is good - He is patient and loving - He will guide you and the trip will be joyful (not easy... but joyful)

Dawn said...

Blogger is really starting to get to me - this is the 5th or 6th time today that I've lost a comment! You'd think I'd remember to save, wouldn't you??

What I said - I am so aware of where you are. Our delivered son, who almost died 5 times from drug junk, is doing well. Satan keeps dropping by to remind us that he could still snatch him back. Then my pathetic SIL is not stepping up to the responsibilities of being a father and husband. We don't know what is going on with him, but he has participated in having 5 children (twins on the way), and is just not there, physically or mentally, most of the time. We must pray for each other!

I wish we could all sit down and talk, but this is next best, isn't it??

Jungle Mom said...

What transparency! We die daily, dont we?

Mike said...

I think it is wonderful that you admit to defeats and victories over the years, and you still struggle. Sometimes I think that God gently reveals our sin to us as we become closer to him and his holiness. I think your are getting closer to Jesus!

Karen said...

Oh yes I can relate to the stinking flesh. The good thing is that we realise that it's not about us or our strength and it brings us back with utter thankfulness to the cross. Will continue to pray for you all. Much love xxx. See my blog for the bloggers with Integrity - I do so feel this applies to your blog and your passionate faith.

Heather said...

Oh, the battle we must wage each day with the old man! My prayers are with you, as I struggle daily too. We all do.

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog last week. Blessings to you ~

Folded Wings said...

Thanks so much for your honesty and transparency... I am deeply moved by your post

Retha said...

Isn't it one of the amazing joys to know we are dying daily!
To see in which areas we still need 'to be save'
I am encouraged by you being in this difficult situation; you are willing to see what good you have received and place the difficulty in true perspective. Not accepting all the blame (the enemy are guilty) but are willing to see where to continue with the 'good fight' and allow the LORD to do what work HE is doing.
I commend you for being really real!

Momma Roar said...

God is so gracious - to be with us and give us the help we need.

I'm learning a lot about myself in this past week - and I am right there with you - I don't want my life to be still - I want to be challenged so that I continue to change and let God mold me and shape me!

Ruth said...

The scripture that comes to mind is Jeremiah 29:3 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I know your heart seeks Him, so rest in the assurance that you will find Him in your trials and become more like Him as you travel! Bless you.

Sharon said...

Just know that our Father in Heaven is with you through all of this. You are in the valley, but coming out of the valley and the good news is He is with you and He will sustain you. I pray for all of this to work out. God has brought your son so far and he won't let go now!

On the lighter side, stop by my blog, I have a surprise for you!

Hugs, Sharon

Susan said...

Continuing to pray for you, Susan. It's so hard when we face trials.

Blessings,

Susan

Mel's World said...

Susan...

What a beautifully transparent post...thank you so much for your openness...for your honesty...and for being you. I have seen your comments of several of our sisters blogs and I just HAD to come over to your blog to finally meet you.

Thank you again for being real...

Melissa

Saija said...

God hears your cry and will honour your desire ...
He loves you and knows every part of you ... after all He did make you ...
He is using you, now, just as you are ... afterall, the only time we will be perfect, is when we have left this fallen world ... till then, we just pilgrim on ...

((hugs)) & blessings to you ...

Mary said...

Susan,

I have been having my own set of tribulations that are very similar to yours. I'm facing a quite different set of circumstances, but lately I have been more angry than I've been in years. I don't like this me. It's more like the me I was before I was born again, if that makes sense. However, Satan WILL NOT win. I have people praying for me and pray the most powerful tool there is. God will prevail in both of our cases. We are human and sinners. However, Jesus washed away our sin with his blood. Please keep your eyes heavenward. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Blessings,
Mary

When We Were Young said...

Susan,

You are in company that understands this battle! Hugs to you.

MightyMom said...

ahh, welcome to the world of being human. we stink! literally (sometimes) and figuratively!

Come and see my alphabet soup letter "P"

As you are Perfect in God's eyes...and in mine.

I love you, friend.
Sarah.

Jenileigh said...

A mentor told me this week that a righteous man is not a perfect man but the man that keeps on getting up. The man who perseveres and finishes the race.

I hate my stinking flesh too, I pray each day for a little more of that glorious transformation. For my spirit (Christ that lives in me) to be my king, for my soul to be my servant and for my flesh to be my slave. So many times I allow my flesh to rule as a king.

I'm thankful that the Lord doesn't condemn us but uses all things satan intends for harm for His glory and the Lord teaches us through our failures and brings us victory. Halellujah!

Hugs to you my dear friend. I love you.

Sohailah said...

ME TOO! Thank you for sharing this. So ENCOURAGING! On both sides - to be reminded that we all struggle and to see what God is doing. And it is Him, for sure.

Jill@Who Could Ask for Anything More said...

I continue to lift you all up in prayer, Susan. I am sure you have handled these stuggles and hurdles with true grace. It's so hard when it's our children, isn't it? I always think in these situations how much easier it would be if it were ME...but to see our kids suffer and hurt is hard. Big hugs to you and may you feel God's grace at all times.

Barbara said...

A very honest post Susan, but you are living in Gal. 2.20.The enemy wants to convince you that you are not. He will have us confused over temptation and feelings at times. I feel you are beating yourself up because you are in a hard place.
I see Linds has already said this after I have written it. Feelings, anguish, nerves, temptation are not sin. They are human reactions and only sin if we knowingly choose to act on them.
Get back to seeing yourself perfect in Him and trusting Him with all this flesh stuff and see how the enemy flees. Don't give the enemy all that credit, he has NO power other than that allowed him by Christ. Blessings and prayers.

Barbara H. said...

That's probably why Paul said he died daily. My understanding is that the flesh will always be with us. It wearies me to think sometimes of dealing with it every day -- but that's when I focus on myself. His mercies are new every morning and I need to remember I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and not to be weary in well-doing.