I for one don't know. I once read, "Pain and happiness are like gas, and fill and consume every square inch of available space." That is the way I feel today -- one year ago, on a bright, beautiful, sunny Saturday, my precious Suzette and I attended an all day Cancer Seminar.
It began with all of us meeting in the auditorium of the lovely private school and listening to the main speakers. One of the comments that was made was something about "Some of you who were here last year have lost your loved ones this past year." and "Some of you here today will not be here next year." Suzette and I both wiped the tears, as we silently wondered if that would be us. I, as I was doing, steadfastly refused to even entertain the notion that Suzette would not lick the diagnosis of her Stage IV Lung Cancer.
After this initial meeting in the auditorium we broke up and went into various class rooms where different topics were being discussed and where some hands on art projects were being done. I think we attended 3 of these and had a wonderful, carefree time in each. We laughed and shared with others at the tables as we worked on our projects.
Then it was lunch time, and instead of going into the cafeteria for our noon meal, Suzette and I elected to get the lovely, prepared boxed lunches and go outside and sit on a park bench amid the beautiful blooming flowers and the bright, clear skies and warm fresh air
Just the day before, on Friday, Suzette had gotten the news that the cancer had spread to "3 small places in her spine" and these would, and could, be treated with radiation. We were not happy with this news, but neither were we allowing it to bust our BELIEF in her victory.
After lunch Suzette went into the restroom and when she came back outside she said she thought it would be best we not stay for the afternoon session but go on home as she was getting tired. I offered to go get the car and pick her up, but she insisted in walking the distance to where the car was parked.
On our drive taking her back to her home we stopped at McDonalds, ordered an ice cream cone from the drive-in window, and sat in the car, with the windows down, still enjoying the beautiful day and our time with each other, as we ate our cones.
Little did we realize, as we both enjoyed this wonderful day and our time with each other that it would be the last "truly PLEASANT" lovely day we would ever spend together. On we spent the next 29 days of April & 19 days of May together EACH and EVERY day: going for the radiation treatments, going to the Dr. appointments, just being together at her home each day and her spending a week in the hospital, and mostly talking, and talking, and TALKING, and sharing, and sharing, and SHARING.
On Sunday morning, May 15th, which was Mother's Day and all the kids were coming to church with Mickey & I - Dave wheeled Suzette into our living room about a 1/2 hour before time to go to church. She was sooo sick, and she said, "I wanted so badly to do this today, Mother." but it was impossible. The next day, Monday, upon arriving at her home early that morning Mickey & I talked to Dave about our wanting to cover her with the prayer shawl (which I had given her on September 28, 2010, the day she was diagnosed) and pray for her and anoint her with oil. He gave us permission to do so and he went into the back yard. That was when Mickey & I both finally submitted to the Sovereign will of God for her life, as well as ours. On Wednesday, May 18th, with Jacque sitting on one side of her bed and me on the other, I had the privilege of reading aloud to her the introduction and the first 2 Chapters of Heaven Is Real.
When Mickey & I left her home at 7 p.m. on Thursday evening, May 19th, we knew the end was close. We kissed her good bye. About 9:30 we called to check on her and Dave said she had just rallied and wanted to talk to us.......she could barely talk but we could hear her whispered "I love you", as we told her for the bazillionth time that we loved her. At 11:30 we received the call from Dave. Suzette had gone to Heaven.
I am thankful for April 1, 2011 and the wonderful day Suzette and I were blessed to enjoy. Had either of us dreamed it would be our last such carefree, blessed day, we would not have enjoyed it as we did. God in His mercy is good to not always show us what the marrow will bring.
Today, April 1, 2012 the pain sometimes is almost all consuming BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL AND I KNOW BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT THAT WE WILL ALL BE TOGETHER AGAIN SOME DAY & I KNOW SUZETTE IS SMILING DOWN AT US AND SAYING, "Don't cry, Mom, just keep doing what you're doing!" I will honey, I will and I'll see ya!!!!!!